Dear Jesus,

It’s been nearly 2000 years since we’ve had a chat. I’ve left you messages, but you failed to return them. We don’t need to have this great battle John the Beloved has been promoting. We need to sit down and work it out. I don’t know what else to do, so I’m writing you this open letter.

What happened? We used to be the best of buds. We were inseparable. Remember how we used to put on those shark fins and scare the heck out of John the Baptist? How about the time we were at that wedding and we ran out of booze. You turned all the water into wine. We got plastered and you started hitting on the bride. We had to steal an ass to get out alive after you cold cocked the groom. It was great. Those were wonderful times.

Then we met Mary Magdeline. She was always trying to play us off against each other. Jeepers, that woman had both of us going. I’m very sorry about taking her camping in Samaria that weekend. I didn’t know you felt so strongly about her.

The thing is that it all happened 2000 years ago. I’ve apologized many times. I think it’s time we move beyond it. I mean it wasn’t like she was the last women in the world. My current wife, Cindy is worth twenty Marys.

Then there is also the whole thing with John the, so called, Beloved. Man, that guy always hated me after I gave him a wedgie in front of that cartload of virgins. He went off and wrote that book about revelations. The sad thing is that you bought into it.

Anyway, I’m ready to let bygones be bygones. I want you to come and have Thanksgiving dinner with us. Cindy and the kids are dying to meet you. We’ll have turkey and all the trimmings. I’ll even get that kosher wine you like so much. A company named Mogan David makes it by the barrel.

If you can’t make it for Turkey Day, stop by on the three day Memorial Day weekend. I’m going to open the first seal and it’s going to be a great party. The four horsemen of the apocalypse will be giving the kids pony rides and the beast with seven heads is going to be a one beast petting zoo. We’ll have hotdogs and homemade rootbeer. It’s going to be a blast.

Hope to see you soon.

Your old buddy,